there we go again, so unsure about it. who we are and where we've been.

If you trace the topography of your love life, could you ever determine if you've come to the destination or if maybe it's just where your car got totaled? Maybe it's where your heart got totaled...remained leaking, sputtering, totaled for three years. If the engine needs replacing, is the vessel salvageable or must you wait for the cells to regenerate into a non-version of what it/you, once were? Maybe if you open the locked files and pour over the details you'll find the story arc. Maybe you'll find another peak to climb. Or maybe you're Sisyphus and you're pushing your totaled heap/heart up a hill only to have it crush you again? Is it a lost cause? Can you figure out from the map you've traveled whether you're damaged goods or whether you're the damager? Maybe you left your own trail of totaled parts behind you. Who puts out the damage report on future lovers? Those walking wounded? If you compile the letters-relationships mapped out but never driven and unfurl the mixtape soundtrack, maybe you could give it all back. The bands introduced, knowledge shared, kisses stolen. If you re-trace your route, could you figure out where you made that wrong turn? If it was a wrong turn? Perhaps every punctured tire, heart-heavy hitchhiker, accidental bridge crossing, were written into your map in the smallest of print? Every time you think you made a wrong term, you're where you are, where you're meant to be, you can't get lost enough.

I found a journal in my high schooled castaways, started from the beginning. The first-this is it-in a long line of I thought it was it before but now I know(s). I found a letter I wrote to myself as a seventeen-year-old girl to the same seventeen-year-old girl 9 months later. Sympathetic. Hurting. Acknowledging hurt. I found the letters from half a dozen love affairs never entered but fully emotionalized. Those tucked-in notes and creased secrets. Very real, very temporary feelings. The immensity of knowing no. this. is. it. And losing it. Laying the map out will probably do nothing to determine where I'm going but sometimes it helps to know where you've been and how you pushed through to now. Ticking. Sleepless. Now.

The Worst Part's Almost Over

I know... it's been a minute. So I'm living in Hollywood with Sarah Morrison and Weetzie Bat. We have a super cute house that I've been decorating/fixing for the past month and we both have blogging jobs. I'll share more details when it launches of course. But I'm about to go into a new mode up in here, because I'm bored talking about the now and wish to write about the past/future I guess? So I thought I'd put it in real time first and introduce you to my new life...through pictures I took with my awesome new camera! I've been working on my ellipses usage lately, but I'm afraid it's not working out. :( It's nearly 7 o'clock in Los Angeles and the sun's still out. Weetzie is sitting next to me, cleaning her face with her paws. Sarah is at the end of our couch, blogging and sporadically commenting. I painted our living room mustard yellow because it's my new second favorite color...after moss green of course. So we've got the all important Pee Wee Herman shelf complete with Annie commemorative plates and mustache smorking labbit. I've got three antlered wall-mounted creatures so far...this one's from Show in Los Feliz...but it lived with me in Brooklyn before returning to where it belongs, with me, back in California! I found this super random Ronald Reagan portrait (it's made up of a speach he made-the words are the lines in the print) and I painted the background mustard. OMG. You're so bored already...I guess I could have just posted pictures but I already uploaded them all small and now there's all this white space between the pictures and it feels really necessary! Ack! So, um, below we have an Ikea rug and chair, but I got the chair at Goodwill used. I made the log pillow with a log pillow kit from ReForm School in Los Feliz or is it Silverlake? I don't really know where I am half the time. Sometimes, when I've run out of errands to run, I start driving one way down a street and see where it takes me. Usually, it's into a mountain over here. I guess I live in some kind of valley? But not the valley? I spent weeks scouring craigslist for mid century modern furniture and Eames era everything. Then I scoured Etsy.com for vintage wallpaper for the kitchen and ended up with this brown on cream bicycle pattern! It ended up only being enough for one wall, but it's pretty cute. I think. I've been having some frustrating days where I don't leave the house and stress about not making enough money to support myself...but then I have awesome days where I wake up, look up at the warm blue sky and bristling palm trees and feel pretty excited to be in California. It's pretty amazing being two hours from Mexico, thirty minutes from the beach, and less than a days drive from Portland, San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Santa Fe. My mom's been writing me long emails telling me that she's worried about my current lifestyle (i.e. not leaving the house) might keep me from meeting my future husband. Meanwhile, I have no desire to be in another relationship right now. I'm in no rush to get married until I am in a place where I can be really proud of myself...not to mention I'm still emotionally bruised from my last venture to that place. Can't a girl catch a breather? I don't really want to get hooked into anything I'm not 100% excited about...which I have a tendency to do. It's much easier right now and be selfish in my new city with my new house! Yesterday, Sarah and I went hiking in Griffith Park and then drove to Santa Monica where we went shopping (with gift certificates) for a couple hours and then went to some awful Senior Frogs-esque joint full of guys that looked like un-stretched Stretch Armstrong dolls. But the place wasn't that awful because we were both exhausted and satisfied and 2-for-1 Watermelon margaritas are delicious. I hate to say it, but I feel optimistic. Sure, there's not much going right right now, but at least it's not going right somewhere where the sun can hit my shoulders and the stars can find me. Maybe my days of indulging in my own unhappiness are over. Maybe they're just going to be a different flavor.

California Dreaming: The TV Show

It's been a couple weeks...relatively boring weeks. I went to Minnesota with my mom and while wandering around the Mall of America, I got a call. I got a call about a job. I got a call about an awesome job that I started last week! It's a blogging job for a site that doesn't officially launch until the end of February, but we're perfecting it now and it's gonna be totally awesome and for the first time in awhile, I feel good about my writing! I get to write about random news and I learn things every day. Nothing I've written in the past really had any affect on anything and now I feel like I can talk about things that interest me in my own voice without dumbing anything down! Super excited! Now I just need a part time job in LA and I'll be up in the mornings scanning the world for weird things to write about. Then I'm gonna lay around on the beach and make Erika and Sarah Mo come with me. Other awesome things happening, I blogged about Gilt Groupe on Missbehave, it's this super awesome sample sale site (they're having a HUGE sale right now...I bought a shirt and a dress for $50), anyway, whenever someone you invited buys something, you get $25 and apparently 169 people signed up from my link! So yeah, I bought presents for Erika and Sarah and me! I'm getting in my car next Friday, visiting my buddies in Vegas and then moving to Los Angeles officially (and finally). There'll be new drama, new friends, a new home, and lots of awesome new boys to makeout with (hopefully). In other fun news, I found this website called Iron Hymen today that's hil-arious. The road ahead is looking pretty awesome...I have no idea how I'm so excited right now but I'm gonna roll with it! Love you, mean it!

Hip Teens Don't Wear Blue Jeans

In preparation for my move to LA, where I'll be living (at least at first...if not FOREVER) with Sarah Morrison and my new friend Erika Paget (woohoo!), I've been planning a wardrobe and beauty makeover! It is imperative that I plan who I want to be and what my shoes, impending homelessness, job, and hair color will say about me. I bought some LUSH bright red henna...cause my usually strawberry blonde is starting to look strawberry erm...green? It looks like a giant green block of chocolate...but I guess once I melt it down I'll be on my way to Jessica Rabbit locks in no time? My mom and I bought a CHANEL suit to share (I get the skirt and belt!!! Mom gets the jacket...terribly on sale of course), I'm not sure how I managed this...I think my mom saw the sparkle in my eye when I asked her to take my picture in it. I got some great pencil skirts at J.Crew and may I say, they've REALLY upped their style, they must have gotten all new designers! I've also had my eyes on these Moscot nerd frames...Lesley Arfin and Brooke have some like them and I'm way jealous. Too bad my eyes are damn near perfect. Maybe I'll spend more time reading in the dark? I have no idea what I'll be doing. I'm going to send applications out to various magazines in LA (Flaunt, Mean Magazine) and to some Talent Agencies, TV/Film Production companies...but I really don't want to have to start at the bottom again after three years in magazines! Jesus...three years. I've been throwing around all sorts of other ideas...Sarah Mo and I need a reality tv show, we could write a roadtrip book, or a tell-all magazine book, or what it's like to live in a trailer, or we can both work at Cinespace. OOOORRR, I could open a hunting lodge-themed bar (where I would serve awesome bar food like homemade beef jerkey, soups, and homemade goat cheeses) or (as my dad wishes) a bakery/catering company...but the last two require tricking someone into giving me large amounts of money and perhaps figuring out whether LA is the right place for me to settle down for a spell. I'm terrified, excited, and terrified again! Any words of advice? Career advice? LA advice? Fashion/beauty advice? Should I just jump in and see what happens and stop stressing? Please say it's that one...

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Like I mentioned yesterday, I saw my ex best friend Hester this week. I blogged about her on Missbehave about seven months ago, so it's been about two and a half years since we'd shared a single word. We met in health class sophomore year of high school...she was the converse and leopard-sporting punk rock girl and I was the converse and plaid-sporting new girl I guess? I think we bonded when the health teacher asked us what we ate all week and I brought in an empty bag of frozen corn (my parents were out of town). Then we shared one of those crying plastic babies for those early parenting classes. Everyday, one of us spent the evening sewing intricate outfits and it was also the only doll with zero minutes of crying (since everyone else threw them in their lockers)! So, fast forward seven years and we're finally decorating our dreamhouse apartment in Bushwickw after moving in together when I graduated from college. I painted. She went out. I worked a couple jobs. She took some classes. I went a little nuts and couldn't hack living with her cause she's always a little nuts and the crazy had built on itself until I couldn't support it and I guess she didn't know it was there. I moved across the street with our mutual best friend Demetra. So we hadn't talked in forever and I lived in fear that we'd run into each other. I had nightmares. I ran out of Beacon's Closet when I saw she was at work. Anyways, she called me last week and we sat down for drinks. My palms were sweating, I half expected her to come in and throw my drink in my face and leave. We talked it out. Two drinks later, we were buddies again and I'm more relieved than I ever imagined I would be. We went thrift store shopping, we went over two years worth of stories of boys, jobs, friends, favorite things, etc. and realized we hadn't swayed so far from each other but have grown into little women. Demetra's gonna kill me for being a traitor, but it's a huge relief not feeling like I have to hide from someone who was once my best friend. Now we're working on a movie. Well...we got drunk and devised a plan to make a movie involving mustaches, godzilla, heroes and heroines. Should it come together, like so few of our outlandish plans, I will make it known...you know, by winning an oscar and being hailed as the next/better whatsherfacewhowroteJuno! Yay! Naranja Julius for everyone!

I don't feel any different: This is not a love song

The new year. It's common for people to make outlandish promises to themselves with no intentions of following through. I never bother because I want the same things every year and I know perfectly well that they would happen if I put forth any effort. This year, I want to get a fantastic job , eat more vegetables, try new things, live without fear of failing, and make fun friends in LA. I read my astrologyzone today, which had a hopeful view of the next two months! Except I know a bunch of virgos and there's no way we're all gonna be happy. I'm in Minnesota at Mayo Clinic with my mom, she's asleep under the polyester bed-spread next to me, snoring lightly. I'm supposed to be taking care of her but have been stricken with a sore-throat and case of new year-paranoia. I'll be up at 6:30am to hit the hospital.

Jingle Balls

Happy Holidays! I spent the day making cookies and preparing festive food with my mom. Mostly, she entertained a friend and decorated cookies. It was a good time anyway...for some reason I feel like I accomplished a lot today? I guess we did go grocery shopping at two grocery stores, rented movies, and bought a torch to make baked alaskas. I didn't write though. I didn't revise the piece I just wrote for Missbehave. Oh well. I think I'm just starting to get comfortable with this being home thing. Not seeing anyone at all but my mother seems to help. So my mom wanted to watch this movie called Far North because she heard it was good. It was about these cute eskimos who have to move around the tundra a bunch or some whiteys will kill them. Then they find a nearly dead whitey who they both fall in love with. The younger eskimo says they're going to run away together, so older eskimo cuts off her fucking face and wears it!!!! wtf! I totally didn't see it coming and there needs to be warnings on movies if that shit's going down! Right? So then we had to watch a whole 'nother movie to get the awful awful image unburned from our tender corneas. So we watched an Audrey Tautou movie called Priceless. It's adorable and kinda like Amelie, except she's a gold-digging fashion horse! The other night, my friend Alex and I went to every bar in Santa Fe for drinks. I don't really remember paying for them...but I'm sure I did. Kinda sure. I vaguely remember reading someone else's Playboy and then kissing Alex at the bar. It probably looked a lot like the kiss above only less hot, with more falling, and without facecutter watching from a distance. I need someone who's not my platonic best friend to make out with...I've got my eyes on the produce guy at this hippie grocery store but I'm pretty sure he has a wallet chain and a bowl cut. I bet he tastes like sixth grade. I also ran into a director/screenwriter I used to work with way back when I donned costumes and pretended to be anyone but myself...oh I guess I'm still doing that...anyway, he's going through a divorce and I'm wondering if it would be sketchy if I asked him to coffee. Not that I want to undress him with my teeth or anything. But it's kind of weird being of a more "adult" age and not knowing how to relate to those who've been adults for a bit longer. I have no idea how he envisions me now. Am I still a sixteen-year-old drama geek in his eyes? Or a 25-year-old straight-out geek? On an unrelated note, here's my bee tattoo!