Jingle Balls

Happy Holidays! I spent the day making cookies and preparing festive food with my mom. Mostly, she entertained a friend and decorated cookies. It was a good time anyway...for some reason I feel like I accomplished a lot today? I guess we did go grocery shopping at two grocery stores, rented movies, and bought a torch to make baked alaskas. I didn't write though. I didn't revise the piece I just wrote for Missbehave. Oh well. I think I'm just starting to get comfortable with this being home thing. Not seeing anyone at all but my mother seems to help. So my mom wanted to watch this movie called Far North because she heard it was good. It was about these cute eskimos who have to move around the tundra a bunch or some whiteys will kill them. Then they find a nearly dead whitey who they both fall in love with. The younger eskimo says they're going to run away together, so older eskimo cuts off her fucking face and wears it!!!! wtf! I totally didn't see it coming and there needs to be warnings on movies if that shit's going down! Right? So then we had to watch a whole 'nother movie to get the awful awful image unburned from our tender corneas. So we watched an Audrey Tautou movie called Priceless. It's adorable and kinda like Amelie, except she's a gold-digging fashion horse! The other night, my friend Alex and I went to every bar in Santa Fe for drinks. I don't really remember paying for them...but I'm sure I did. Kinda sure. I vaguely remember reading someone else's Playboy and then kissing Alex at the bar. It probably looked a lot like the kiss above only less hot, with more falling, and without facecutter watching from a distance. I need someone who's not my platonic best friend to make out with...I've got my eyes on the produce guy at this hippie grocery store but I'm pretty sure he has a wallet chain and a bowl cut. I bet he tastes like sixth grade. I also ran into a director/screenwriter I used to work with way back when I donned costumes and pretended to be anyone but myself...oh I guess I'm still doing that...anyway, he's going through a divorce and I'm wondering if it would be sketchy if I asked him to coffee. Not that I want to undress him with my teeth or anything. But it's kind of weird being of a more "adult" age and not knowing how to relate to those who've been adults for a bit longer. I have no idea how he envisions me now. Am I still a sixteen-year-old drama geek in his eyes? Or a 25-year-old straight-out geek? On an unrelated note, here's my bee tattoo!

Baby's Romance

Have you ever considered someone to be a friend for years and then, at some point in time, you're forced to spend a couple days with them and realize that you absolutely, positively hate them and can't figure out how you ever got along in the first place? Yeah, I'm there. My friend called upon me to assist him on a photoshoot. Even though he refused to pay me, I had nothing better to do and was open to seeing someone outside of my Santa Fe friends. We had a good time at the bar mitzvah and headed to a divey sports bar for drinks...where he proceeded to leave me alone for 40 minutes "going to the bathroom". Turns out he was on the phone with his girlfriend. Okay, this requires a back story, we had been seeing each other for a few months when our mutual friend confides in me that he is seeing another girl and just keeping me around as his dish on the side. Now, I don't have trouble finding men who want to date me. I'm generally the one not interested in anyone at all, so for some prick to be two-timing me, is fucked up. We stopped talking for a while, he occasionally solicits me for im sex. I decline. He sends me porn at work. Fast forward to now: he won't stop poking me, has a retort to anything I say, bitches about suitcases at thrift stores costing seven dollars, leaves his shit EVERYWHERE, tracks snow all around the house, and has not ONCE, not even once, asked me about my life, about my mom's cancer, about how I feel about anything. He refuses to watch any of the shows I like, insisting on watching football or the news. He grabs my boobs and puts his cold feet on my warm legs. He wears my father's robe wide open so that not only am I utterly repulsed by his hairy pregnant belly, but I will always feel a perversion to my father in his robe now. I don't know why I maintain friendships with utter losers who make me feel like shit. He's not the only one! Guys who have continually used me as a doormat, broken my heart, bruised my ego, etc. I want to be their best friends! Why is that? Why can't I just cut assholes out of my life? What is it about me that only attracts sexually deviant, manipulative babies? Am I asking for it? Am I deviant? How do you cut these guys out of your life? I feel like the more self confident I get, the more I'm able to say "no" and say "you're an ass, this is why..." but keeping these guys around at all is detrimental to a continuous growth of self-confidence. Yeah, they think I'm cute/funny/will buy them drinks maybe but none of them like me enough to actually treat me well! Fuck. Guys are fired from my life. (Except for Alex and Ryan...and my dad as long as he's not wearing that robe). I refuse to be any man's port in a storm. They've got to start appreciating the things I do to take care of them and then take care of me when I need them! Power to the peoples.

Queen of Squash Blossoms

Something about being home is extremely isolating. It's so strange being surrounded by the same boy faces from high school, but now we're supposed to be adults. I slept in a bed last night in between two of my closest male friends, as if we were siblings. I like to imagine myself as 'one of the boys' because I'm at least as crude and can generally follow a conversation about comic books or video games. But I miss my girls! I miss consuming whole pizzas with Sarah Morrison, trying new pork products at fancy New York restaurants with Mary HK Choi, sake and sushi night with Demetra...even just sitting in the office, laughing at ridiculous emails and instant messaging from two feet away. I don't know how much I can organize my life from my parent's guest house...I'm already antsy to leave. The sky gets dark so early, my drinks get drunken so quickly, and I wake up hurting in one way or another every day. Today, I spent about 3 hours researching apprenticeships at goat cheese farms. Turns out, you can work at a farm, live for free, get fed, and in some cases, get paid while learning how to create a sustainable environment for yourself. God, I'm totally turning into a hippie.
For dinner, I made a pear and avocado salad with crumbled goat cheese, lemon olive oil, and aged balsamic. It was kinda gross unless you ate the avocados first. I've done that a few times...made awful salads that I could barely eat. I'm usually pretty awesome with my food intuition...it's hard when you really want two things that are utterly incompatible. Huh. I think I accidentally just made a giant metaphor for my life. Crap. I'll assume that metaphor has something to do with wanting to do exactly what I want to do while sacrificing everything necessary for basic survival...but come from insanely motivated parents who won't call something a real job unless you are compensated fairly, in which case, I've never had a real job. I don't even know how to do a job hunt. I did make a website, which shut up my parents for a couple hours in the hassling department. Everything up to this point has flowed into the rest. Now I have to figure out if I have anything valuable and convince everyone else of it. So far, the only jobs of interest have been back in New York and I really don't want to go back unless I have enough money to live comfortably! Job searching is depressing though, I kind of assumed that New York was the one place where companies could get away with not paying their employees minimum wage because they're getting experience they couldn't get anywhere else but it looks like LA is just as bad, just in different fields. Am I ready to jump back into the lion's mouth of city life? I know I can't stay here and I'm not sure whether taking a month off to learn how to make goat cheese would benefit me...I kinda just want to exist for a while though! It seems that might be much harder than diving in deep and letting your life go over your head.