Queen of Squash Blossoms

Something about being home is extremely isolating. It's so strange being surrounded by the same boy faces from high school, but now we're supposed to be adults. I slept in a bed last night in between two of my closest male friends, as if we were siblings. I like to imagine myself as 'one of the boys' because I'm at least as crude and can generally follow a conversation about comic books or video games. But I miss my girls! I miss consuming whole pizzas with Sarah Morrison, trying new pork products at fancy New York restaurants with Mary HK Choi, sake and sushi night with Demetra...even just sitting in the office, laughing at ridiculous emails and instant messaging from two feet away. I don't know how much I can organize my life from my parent's guest house...I'm already antsy to leave. The sky gets dark so early, my drinks get drunken so quickly, and I wake up hurting in one way or another every day. Today, I spent about 3 hours researching apprenticeships at goat cheese farms. Turns out, you can work at a farm, live for free, get fed, and in some cases, get paid while learning how to create a sustainable environment for yourself. God, I'm totally turning into a hippie.
For dinner, I made a pear and avocado salad with crumbled goat cheese, lemon olive oil, and aged balsamic. It was kinda gross unless you ate the avocados first. I've done that a few times...made awful salads that I could barely eat. I'm usually pretty awesome with my food intuition...it's hard when you really want two things that are utterly incompatible. Huh. I think I accidentally just made a giant metaphor for my life. Crap. I'll assume that metaphor has something to do with wanting to do exactly what I want to do while sacrificing everything necessary for basic survival...but come from insanely motivated parents who won't call something a real job unless you are compensated fairly, in which case, I've never had a real job. I don't even know how to do a job hunt. I did make a website, which shut up my parents for a couple hours in the hassling department. Everything up to this point has flowed into the rest. Now I have to figure out if I have anything valuable and convince everyone else of it. So far, the only jobs of interest have been back in New York and I really don't want to go back unless I have enough money to live comfortably! Job searching is depressing though, I kind of assumed that New York was the one place where companies could get away with not paying their employees minimum wage because they're getting experience they couldn't get anywhere else but it looks like LA is just as bad, just in different fields. Am I ready to jump back into the lion's mouth of city life? I know I can't stay here and I'm not sure whether taking a month off to learn how to make goat cheese would benefit me...I kinda just want to exist for a while though! It seems that might be much harder than diving in deep and letting your life go over your head.